I had a sudden urge to become a blogger after I became a mom. It was more for venting out my frustration because I felt nobody ever understands me and maybe writing about it would just be the right way to approach my innermost feelings. Just when my career as a blogger sort of kickstarted, I was let down by my entire family. I had a pathetic support system, a spouse who was almost always traveling for work and no help at all. More than anger, I felt myself losing hope and resentment started filling up the voids in my heart where all my hopes were dashed down. This led to me penning down a poem.
As I stand, I fear I might drown in my own words of despair
As I try to live, my loathe gets me better and my resentment keeps building
As I try to move on, my instincts kick in my fears and I am scared
I am unsure where I'm headed, what my aim is but above all I don't want to be aimless
My wants don't guide me to the whats I need, neither does anyone else
When my positivity almost killed me, because it was so full of negativity
I believed I would win at it, but failed to accept my defeat, failed to see it coming sooner
I tried to stick up for it all on the social media, but I never fit in because my life ain't bling
Instead I realised life was a race, all about creating content, all for likes and followers
While I try to make more, it seemed to be getting less by the day
Trying to pout and make my life more happening, while I live in dreaded horror drenched in piss and poop
My bleak life ain't no worthy Instagram post, I live in a lie more likely
Sometimes I feel exhausted, looking for followers while I try to sleep
Instead of the arms of a consoling lover, I try to drown myself in the clutches of media
I ain't got no support to pursue my dreams, I ain't got no believers on me
All I got is a thousand followers, who don't give a fuck about me
Blogger in me died, yet instead of burying it, I try to revive her with dreams
Bloggers go and influencers come, but nobody noticed me come or go
I tried to make life more significant, online at least, sorry I failed you social media
The more insignificant I became, no more I believe in myself than anyone else does
I killed my joys, I killed my happiness, I killed until I became a murder over and over
I want to be heard, I shouted, so hard to be heard,
that I can even hear myself anymore, so loud that I lost my voice
Gone was me, gone was my last ray of hope, gone are my dreams gone gone forever
Heading down back into my hole, quitting like a loser, out of fear of failing anymore
No more, have I got any strength to take another leap of faith,
I might fall down a valley so dark and deep Leaped too high,
fear of falling takes over my emotions until I was dizzy with nausea
Lost all of it, going back to living, living my bleak life as it was bleaker now
No more lies, no more have I the need to fake it, I lived a lie but not anymore
I am my own servant, I am at your service, ain't that what you always wanted?
I wanted to rise above and be the queen but I was beaten to the throne, beaten by the broom I cleaned after you,
basically that's all you want me to do all day everyday, that's what you made of me
One day, until I will fight back do your thing, but I will rise like a phoenix bird right out of my own ashes
So bright would I be, you eyes will burn with envy, no silver no gold will ever outshine my success
That Day on you will be my slave, slaved for eternity until damnation strikes twelve!
So how did you feel after reading my poem? Do let me know your honest opinions in the comments below.
I would like to thank Isha Sharma for introducing me. Do check out her blog to see what's her take on life this week. I would like to introduce my old friend Kapilla to this blog train. Do check out her blog.
Hosted By :Prisha Lalwani